After years of coaching, I can tell you exactly which parents help their children develop and which ones unintentionally hold them back.
The difference? The questions they ask.
What Most Parents Ask
“Why isn’t my child playing more?”
“What position will they play?”
“Are they good enough for the next level?”
These focus on outcomes, not development. And outcomes at age 12 mean nothing for success at age 18.
I get it. You’re paying club fees. You’re driving to practices. You’re invested in your kid’s experience. You want to see results.
But these questions put coaches in defensive positions. They create tension instead of collaboration. And they don’t actually help your child improve.
Ask This Instead
“What are the top 2-3 specific things my child should work on to improve, and how can I support that at home?”
That’s it. That one question changes everything.
Why This Works
Shows You’re Development-Focused
You become a partner in growth, not just a spectator demanding playing time.
Coaches deal with parent complaints constantly. Most are about playing time, positions, referee calls. When a parent asks about actual development, we notice. It signals you understand what matters long-term.
It’s Actionable
You get specific feedback, not vague advice like “work on their left foot.”
Good feedback sounds like:
- “Work on receiving with her back to goal. Practice turning in tight spaces with light pressure.”
- “Decision-making is too slow. Needs more small-sided games to think quickly.”
- “Practice scanning – check shoulders before receiving the pass.”
See the difference? These are specific, observable, trainable.
Opens Real Communication
Creates collaboration instead of confrontation.
When you’re focused on development, coaches want to talk to you. You’re making their job easier. You’re reinforcing at home what they’re teaching at practice.
When you’re focused on playing time, coaches avoid you. Those conversations go nowhere productive.
Follow Up With These Questions
Don’t stop at the first question. Dig deeper:
“How will you measure improvement?”
This keeps everyone accountable. You’re not just working on “first touch” forever. You want to know what progress looks like.
“Any specific drills you recommend?”
Shows you’re serious about helping. Most coaches will give you 1-2 simple exercises your kid can do in the backyard.
“When should we check back in?”
Sets expectations for follow-up. Maybe four weeks, maybe eight weeks. Depends on what they’re working on.
The German Approach
German parents ask “what does my child need to do to earn that position?” not “why aren’t they starting?”
One is about growth. The other is about entitlement.
In German youth academies, playing time is earned through demonstrated improvement in specific areas. Parents understand this. They ask what their kid needs to work on, then they work on it.
American parents often feel their kid deserves playing time because they’re paying fees or because they “work hard.” But soccer isn’t participation trophy. At competitive levels, you play because you’re good enough. If you’re not good enough yet, you work until you are.
That mindset shift – from entitlement to development – is what creates players who keep improving.
When to Ask
Early season parent meeting – Perfect timing to set development goals.
Mid-season check-in away from games – Catch coach after practice or schedule a brief call.
Brief chat after practice – Not a deep conversation, but “Hey, quick question when you have a minute…”
When Not to Ask
Immediately after games – Emotions are high. Everyone needs space. Nothing productive happens here.
In front of other parents – Makes the coach uncomfortable. Creates awkward dynamics. Private conversations only.
Via text without context – Tone gets misread. Important conversations deserve real discussion.
Red Flag
If a coach can’t identify 2-3 specific improvement areas for your child, they may not know your child’s game well enough.
This happens more than you’d think. Coaches with big rosters, limited observation, or poor attention to individual development give vague answers: “Just keep working hard” or “They’re doing fine.”
That’s not coaching. That’s babysitting.
A real coach can tell you exactly what your kid needs to improve and why it matters for their development. If they can’t, you might be on the wrong team.
Teach Your Child to Ask Too
“Coach, what should I work on this week?”
Players who own their development accelerate faster.
This is huge. When your kid asks this question directly to their coach, it shows maturity, self-awareness, and genuine desire to improve.
Most kids never ask. They show up to practice, do what they’re told, go home. They don’t take ownership of their development.
The ones who ask? They’re the ones coaches remember. They’re the ones who get extra feedback. They’re the ones who improve fastest.
At TM17pro, We Build This Into Our Culture
At our US Summer Camps, we don’t wait for parents or players to ask. We build feedback into every session.
With 5:1 player-to-coach ratios and max 20 players per session, coaches know every player individually. They can tell you exactly what each kid needs to work on because they’ve observed them closely all week.
Our 11-Month Program takes this further with small groups (max 8 players) and ongoing development tracking. You’re not wondering what your kid should work on. We’re telling you proactively and working on it together.
The TM17pro Soccer Circle app also connects parents with resources, training advice, and a community of families focused on actual development over just winning games.
This Week’s Challenge
Ask your child’s coach this question. Then work on those areas and check back in four weeks.
Don’t make excuses. Don’t wait for the “right time.” Just ask.
If the coach gives you vague feedback, push for specifics: “Can you give me an example of what that looks like?”
If they give you good feedback, act on it. Work with your kid on those specific areas. Then follow up and show the progress.
That’s how development happens. Not through talent. Not through hoping. Through specific, targeted, consistent work on identified weaknesses.
Have you asked your child’s coach this question? What feedback did you get?